Not yet...I'm workin' on it...

I know it is 2:03 in AM. I understand that I have to be up in the morning and get to church on time. I know this. I just can't sleep. I am oh so tired though. My day started VERY early for a Saturday....

At 7:30 my phone rang. It was Shelley. She was giving my friendly wake up call. I was going to keep the boys while she and Matt went and got a few things for his new job. (I am so happy and proud for them about that...) I had so much fun with Mattson and Payson. Those little boys are truly Heaven sent. Mattson never fails to make me smile. ...Even when I do have to bust out the carpet cleaner to get the red kool aid up from the hallway. He always says the most random and cute things. I asked him if he had poopied and he responded with  "Not yet, I'm workin on it..." And sweet Payson.. that child is just precious. He just eats sleeps... and loves to rock in between. He just blushes all the time too. Like a sweet old man.. So cute. In between Payson's naps we all played in the floor together and watched football. We had a really good time. We grilled out and watched Alabama beat Mississippi State. It was awesome! Then me and Rachael went out for a minute.. the guy tat owned the place gave me the shirt off his back. Literally. Random but fun.

Here lately, I have began to realize what growing up feels like. I don't know if it's the fact that I am about to be 23 or that everyone is going their own direction, but I know that God has a plan. And I need to be patient. Sometimes it just feels like the entire world is moving forward and I am just watching it all take place. I try to savor every moment now. When I used to just go 90 to nothing. I realize also that different people move at different paces. And sometimes you might have to let go for them to realize they need to catch up. And sometimes they might not catch up. But maybe there will be something else there to fill their running place. I find myself paying a lot. About everything. Which I know this is a good thing but I mean I pray for random people I pass on the interstate now. Even if it's just a quick "Lord bless 'em". 

I cannot wait until May 9, 2009. I will be graduating. For some reason I feel that after this date things will start to pick up. I may have to give up on some old dreams in order to make others happen. But you know what... you gotta let go and let God. I am going to try and stop worrying about things I have no control over. Because like I said... I have not an ounce of control over something I cannot control. None. 

It's just a tough situation. You have this vision of how things are supposed to be. You have had it for as long as you can remember. And it's not playing out right. And the worst part of it all, is that you know it could play out. Perfectly. Even down to the minor details. The details so tiny that no one but you would notice, but nonetheless you know they could play out as well. 

It's just hard to completely give up on something, when sometimes you feel you're the only one that is going to be getting the raw end of the deal. It's not all worked out yet... but I'm workin' on it. 


Matt said...

"You have this vision of how things are supposed to be. You have had it for as long as you can remember. And it's not playing out right"

...The good thing is that disappointments/pain/mess-ups/etc. make life more enjoyable. It makes the victories, triumphs, happiness that much better. I really think that's why God let's us "suffer"-- it adds value to life.

Just a thought.

Kayla said...

Kind of random but what will be your major when you graduate?